An Epidemic of Assery

Photo from this store, Gorey Details. I tried my best to tastefully illustrate this subject. By so doing, I was in no way implying that cats are a half-assed pet. To the contrary, cats so rarely make asses of themselves, and are so obviously mortified when they do, that they serve as excellent role models of Unassery. If there is anything inoffensive, in the world, on the subject of assery, it is cartoon cat butts.

There is a epidemic of assery loose in the country, and it is not hidden. Yet it is past time to step in and turn this raging inferno of assery back to the low, background simmer which is more containable. We usually cannot cure victims of Total Assery, but if we did not handle them in some humane manner, more good people will be lost to assery.

There are people who will always do things some half-assed way. Such people are unteachable. While not always slow to learn, they are certainly unable to learn this: Don't do things half-assed.

Now, Unassery consists very much of this First Law of Assery, Don't do things half-assed. That's because humans can sometimes have difficulty judging the importance of things. Being able to judge the importance of things when we can't stop doing things half-assed will at least mean we will never do anything important for the sake of humanity.

Because only Total Asses forget the Second Law of Assery: The degree of assery is inverse to the degree of consideration.

The danger of doing things half-assed is that, uncontained, it can progress to Total Assery. The Total Ass creates, in The Theory of Black Holes of Assery, a dangerous state of being wherein people raging with Assery Fever create a tremendous collapse of Utter Assery from which no living thing has ever returned.

We do not know the Threshold of Utter Assery. Urban legends abound of brave scientists pulled back from the brink who lived, but were afterwards a source of psychic pains in the asses of humans within range, and are obsessed with discrediting the theory of evolution on which all biology is based.

When it is the authorities who are being Utter Asses, the infection can reach critical mass in a terrible explosion of Utter Assery which has a half-life of decades, if not centuries.

Assery must be suppressed with a public health initiative. Once assery is destroyed by repeated injections of reality and constant compresses of ridicule, the afflicted should be treated for the rest of their lives in exchange for their quarantine from spheres of influence, from which the infection spreads.

These "Typhoid Marys of Assery" must be treated humanely, lest we all succumb to assery, but they are a terrible danger.

We must think of the children.